PART 2
This is the second part of the first chapter of my current WIP.
This is the second part of the first chapter of my current WIP.
I'd appreciate any comments.
Even better constructive critism.
Best of all would be comments if you like it.
***
“You’ve got to be joking,” Flynn said into the phone. “What
do you mean you need to see me?” He paced up and down his office and then
settling by the window. He looked out and his gaze wondered along the Yarra
River watching people strolling along the Southbank Promenade. He liked the
view – seeing the people walking at different paces as they took in the sights,
or looking for restaurants, or as they were simply in a rush to get to their
next destination. His eyes wandered further up and took in the sight of the
Eureka Tower and a small shiver came up his spine as he remembered what he gave
up for being here, for making his life in Melbourne and for getting this job.
It was obvious he wasn’t really happy with the conversation
he was having. Then he sighed. “Yes I’ll be there. And this will better be
worth it.”
He walked over to the door and swung it open with such
force, Ella, his secretary, almost jumped out of her chair.
“Ella, could you please reschedule the appointment tomorrow afternoon
with Harry? I’ve got some private business I’ve got to attend to.”
“Not a problem, Flynn. You’ve got your hair cut tomorrow at
...”
“Shit,” he mumbled and cursed a few other words Ella was
more than happy to ignore, but she glared at him for an answer. Ella had been
working for Flynn McCormack for three years and couldn’t remember ever seeing
him so infuriated. She didn’t know much about Flynn’s private life, apart from
that the firm, McKenzies, Howard & Partners had supported him through his
last year at the University in Melbourne and he had worked himself up to be a
well respected business lawyer considering his young age. It was a trial
scholarship similar arrangement which had worked out perfectly. McKenzies
himself had met Flynn during a talk at the University and had been impressed by
his questions, attitude and business thinking straight away – and his support had paid off.
Flynn was a Tassie
boy, and even with his good looks and charm he still lived a bachelor. Not
because of lack of women. Ella wasn’t blind, she was aware of the female staff
trying to get his attention, but he never had time for anything more than a
nice conversation and polite compliments.
He exhaled and while heading back into the office he said,
“I go by tonight and see whether Richard can squeeze me in.” And he slammed the
door shut.
After reading this I went back and reread the first part because this threw me off. I could see where this was coming from until the second time I saw the *** at the top of this page. So this is a little bit of Jack's backstory-right. Because it seemed to come out of nowhere.
ReplyDeleteSorry if I seem harsh.
Not harsh at all, I need constructive critism. I wonder whether I'm better off to post the whole chapter in one go.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lindsay for taking your time stoopping by!
This excerpt intrigued me because I wanted to know what he gave up. The picture is great too. :)
ReplyDeleteThx Elaine! Yes i based the character on this picture ... would be a nice cover :-)
ReplyDeletethis a I very intriguing story I hope we will hear more back story on Flynn and perhaps Emma as well?
ReplyDeleteThx Sheilagh. your comment is much appreciated - yes there's more to come :-)
ReplyDeleteHey Iris, thanks for not being offended at my being nit-picky! :)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I agree with Elaine on being intrigued by what Flynn had to give up! While I'm writing this, I actually have several scenarios spinning around my head and I really want to know! :)
The part where Ella (which is actually pretty close to 'Emma' - not sure if that is such a good thing?) thinks about his background is a bit too long for me. It also feels too impersonal. It's supposed to be her, reflecting on what she knows about him, but unless she's on really good terms with their mutual boss, how would she know what he thought about Flynn the first time they met? Maybe tighten that paragraph a bit more!
Oh, and while I looked over it again right now, I was also wondering why it is so important for him to be there and to have that job - because apparently he gave up something really big, so the need to be in the position he is in right now must be very big as well. Yet he almost seems to regret it... maybe you can sort allude to his motivation a little. It doesn't have to be explicitly, but just foreshadow why he gave up whatever he gave up to be there.
(There are also some grammar issues and typos, but I'll leave that for now...) :)
I'm cheering for your success with this story!
Antje aka wordsurfer
Thx Antje (Dutch? German?) ... this is great stuff! Esp the Emma/Ella comment! Might have to give you more, ey :-)
ReplyDeleteIf you feel like it's really useful to you, sure! I love doing this stuff! Hm... rethinking career ideas.... plan k can be 'editor'.... :) Seriously, I enjoy it, feel free to alert me when you put up the next bit (I still wanna know what's the secret...!)
ReplyDeleteoh and yes to both: I'm German and the name's Dutch. :)